Thesis StatementsL The Makeover Edition
Well, there’s only so much I can do to make a blog post about
thesis statements interesting, so prepare yourselves for some irrelevant
Michael Jackson gifs dispersed throughout.
I’m
sure most of you have had some sort of instruction on
thesis statements, but often, students will be taught simplistic methods
for
developing a thesis that they sort of latch onto rather than using the
beginner’s
method at first and then evolving toward a more complex method of thesis
development. Think about giving your thesis a makeover. That look you
had going in high school was fine for back them, but it just isn't
working for you anymore now that you're a collegiate superstar. Time to
take it to the next level!
 |
| Michael's excited about how great your thesis will be |
So what makes a strong thesis?
- Promotes thinking: leads you to arrive at ideas, rather than just stating the obviou
- Reduces scope: separates useful evidence from the mass of details. (Sometimes students think, “I know, I’ll write a really general thesis, so I can add additional content to my body paragraphs if I need to,” but this creates a watered-down, vague argument).
- Provides direction: helps you decide what to talk about, what to talk about next, and what NOT to talk about. Imagine little arrows going from your central argument (thesis) to the analysis portions of your body paragraphs. Each new piece of analysis should build on that central argument.
Now, let’s take a look at what makes a not-so-strong thesis:
- Attaches
you too early to a too-large idea so that you stop actually seeing the evidence
in its
real-life complexity or thinking about the idea itself
Get outta here, Three-Point Thesis! - Produces demonstration rather than discovery of new ideas by making the same overly general point again and again about a range of evidence
- Includes too much possible data without helping you see what’s most important to talk about. You really want to avoid facts or lists in your thesis. Save your paragraph topics and information for your body paragraphs.
A strong, productive thesis…
- usually contains tension, the balance of “this” against “that.”
- often begins with a grammatically subordinate idea that will get outweighed by a more pressing claim: “Although X appears to be about Y, it’s actually arguing Z.”
- avoids listing (like a 3-point thesis/5-paragraph essay).
- uses active verbs and specific nouns.
 |
| May your thesis be as strong as the screws in MJ's shoes. |
Here are some examples of strong and weak thesis statements
that relate to our course theme:
Weak:
Homelessness can be caused by circumstances, mental illness, or addiction.
Strong: While
homelessness is a pervasive problem in American society, homeless female vets
are an especially vulnerable population.
Weak: The
upper class lifestyle isn’t all it seems to be.
Strong: One
might assume that a child raised in the upper class has it all, but upper class
children struggle in a variety of ways.
For
your comment EITHER post your working thesis statement you're thinking
about using for your SSI OR comment on two students' thesis statements,
providing helpful/constructive feedback. Also, feel free to share your
favorite Michael Jackson song/video.
My thesis statement is how social classes are reflected by education. I'd like to focus on the upper class in the United State by analysing the details of the upper classes' classroom. From this blog, I get the information that it is important for us to balance our thesis. Thus, I will not only explain my thesis from the perspective of the upper class, but I also will add some details of the lower classes. Education is a large thesis, so I'd like to only talk about how classrooms reflect the differences between the upper classes and the lower classes.
ReplyDeleteHi Yixuan,
DeleteI think your thesis is pretty good and social classes are tightly related to education. But the differences are not only in the upper classes and lower classes, but middle classes are also important. So you can also focus on middle classes.
Hello,
DeleteAs far as I am concerned, your thesis statement is pretty strong, because it includes active verb and specific noun. Also, you perfectly avoid the listing the thesis. You only have one thesis that social class is related with education situation.
Hi Yixuan,
DeleteI find your thesis interesting any easy to do research on since there is a large data base available for you. But there are more space to expand since each class are different on education. Not just between upper and lower class, but also middle class.I would put that into consideration.
Hi Yixuan
DeleteI think your thesis is clear and pretty good. Education is a good topic to reflect the differences of social class. Include some statistics in your analysis will be helpful.
Hi Yixuan,
DeleteI think your thesis is a interesting one and have a good understanding. I believe education can be a great topic because the difference of social class may also have different level of education and the education can also change social class.
Hi Yixuan,
DeleteIt is a pretty thoughtful idea about the relationship between the social class and the education. The comparison between the education of upper class and lower class is a strong evidence to prove your statement. You can also add the middle class education status to improve your statement as well.
Hello, i also want to talk about the relationship between social classes and education. The difference is that i want to focus on the education inequality in lower class. But after reading your comment, maybe it's better for me to take the education of upper class into consideration.
DeleteHm, I'm not seeing a thesis/central argument here. A thesis is something more specific than a topic, which seems to be what you've focused on.
DeleteOne might assume that vehicles are just the tools to replace walking, but vehicles tend to be the representation of social identities in many aspects. Various examples can be seen in the advertisements, for example, the Honda's impossible dream commercial.
ReplyDeleteHi Yuanjia,
DeleteI think that your first sentence would suffice as a stand-alone thesis. The second sentence is too mch of a fact with the example and that can be used later for development. Also, I would delete the "in many aspects" part because it is vague and obviously you will prove that there are many aspects to support your thesis later throughout your paper.
Hi Yuanjia,
DeleteI agree with Lena that your first sentence would be a strong thesis. The second sentence could be used at the beginning of your paper when you say what your primary source is.
Hello Yuanjia,
DeleteI think your thesis statement should not includes "might" and "assume", and the thesis statement should be very accurate and you cannot assume it. Also, I think you should specifically includes in what aspects the vehicles to be the representation of social identity.
Hi Yuanjia,
DeleteI agree with the above comments. Your first sentence should be firm and summarizing. Words like might may not appear in the thesis sentence. Also I think your thesis is a little too vagus.Maybe consider have a summarizing sentence at the beginning.
This is a very good thesis statement. It is concise and to the point. Maybe allude more to the direction of your paper.
DeleteYou're on the right track here, but you need to come up with something a bit more complicated than vehicles revealing social identities. Try to take this further by asking "So What?" and really think about how to frame your argument in a more narrow, specific way.
DeleteOne of the greatest issues both socially and economically in America today is the economic and lifestyle divide between the classes and the issues that magnify that divide such as education and the current socioeconomic system.
ReplyDeleteHi Jayson,
DeleteI think you have a good idea for your thesis, but I think the wording can be improved. It gets a little tricky to understand what you are getting at after "divide between the classes..." Try reading it outloud and then changing anything grammatical you notice that needs improvement. With that being said, I think that you can make your thesis shorter and more to the point without losing your ideas. Consider changing the first part to something like "A social and economic issue in America relates to the economic..." This will make your thesis more clear and concise to a reader.
Hi,
DeleteI think that you are on the right path with this thesis statement, as it seems that you know what you want to go into talking about in the essay, but this statement is a bit of a run on sentence. I would suggest to either break this sentence up or make it shorter but still keep strong information. Doing this would make it easier to follow the argument that you are making and allow the reader to truly think about your statement.
Hi Jayson,
DeleteI also think the education can be a good topic to discuss because it can discuss from two aspects. One is a good education may provide more chance for changing social class. Another is the middle and high class can have better education than low-class.
Hi Jayson,
DeleteIt is a pretty good and attractive topic which strongly relate to nowadays life. The different class levels will lead people live with different lifestyle. The education allocation is also different based on different level social class.
Your content is good, but make it more concise to get your point across better. It's kind of a run on sentence.
DeleteTry to get more specific. You have a lot of big idea words here but I'm not seeing a narrow, focused argument that you can build upon. This is too broad to be helpful to you.
DeleteThe gap between the rich and poor in America is probably one of the most controversial topics in modern society and social hierarchy may be reflected in every aspect of life. The modern airplane is a social microcosm of the class-based society. In the same space, three different classes of people may only be separated by curtains
ReplyDeleteThat sounds really interesting! I never really thought about airplanes contributing to class separation. It sounds like a good thesis to me. (also Blood On The Dance Floor is my favorite MJ song lol)
DeleteThe airplane makes this statement more specific, but you need to take this a little further. First, you need to be able to state your thesis in a single sentence. Next, you need to ask yourself "So What" to move beyond the general statement that different social classes are all present on a single plane. What is the significance of this?
DeleteWhile one may suppose that the lifestyle can reflect the socioeconomic class of one family, it actually cannot reflect the real income level of the family. The family with lower income can also have the middle class lifestyle. They choose to live a life that is not very affordable to them possibly because of the environment they grow up and live.
ReplyDeleteHi Xiaoqui,
DeleteI think your first sentence would be great to build your thesis off of. The Second and third sentences would be great as an argument to support your thesis in a body paragraph.
Hello, i think you have a good thesis statement for your first sentence. But seems more evidence are needed to support the discussion for the other statements.
DeleteSo you should be able to state your thesis in a single sentence, so work toward that. I'd also like you to get more specific than "lifestyle." I get that you are saying lower class people can present themselves as middle class, but I'm not sure exactly what that looks like based on what you have here.
DeleteI really appreciate the suggestion of starting a thesis statement with a subordinate clause to add some tension; that was very helpful. So my working thesis at this point is: Although US law guarantees all children the right to a “free and appropriate public education,” there are huge disparities in the level and quality of education available to students in different socioeconomic classes due to the way public education is funded.
ReplyDeleteI think your thesis could be improved by changing the wording a bit and figuring out a way to make it more concise. I would take that last part "due......" and try to integrate it more towards the middle. To me it would have a better flow if you put it right after the quotes.
DeleteThis is really strong so far, but I think condensing a bit could make it even stronger.
DeleteThe choice of what a person eats in America, especially when considering fast food, is determined heavily by perceptions of fast food in society along with progressive thought on the health of that food while also being based on which social class a person falls under in this nation.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I am starting with but I know it needs some work. I am still trying to fully determine my stance on what issue I want to focus on surrounding this topic but I am working towards a final thought.
Hey Camryn, I think this would flow a lot better if you came up with a general idea that might include these three talking points you brought up. That way, you can use the specific reasons you named as the basis of different paragraphs later on. The way it stands, there is a lot going on for just one sentence, especially a concise thesis.
DeleteHey Camryn, I think you could switch around some of the clauses and that might help your thesis flow better. Like "The perceptions of fast food in society heavily affects what a person eats in America..........etc"
DeleteLiving situation is one of the obvious factor that can distinguish people between upper-class and lower-class. As a result, my thesis is that although us has policy to guarantee people's basic life needs, there are still such a disparity between good and poor living situation. This reflect how social class in American disperse and differentiate.
ReplyDeleteThe part from "although" to "situation" is a good start to writing the thesis. The last sentence you have could be used later on in your arguments. Or you could also try and incorporate them into one sentence.
DeleteI think that you have a very good start for your thesis and paper, but I think that you could make more of a specific argument to strengthen your paper. With a more specific thesis, such as a reason why the living situations might be so different even with the policies, would allow you to further develop your paper so that it is more narrow.
DeleteHi Yuhang,
DeleteYou have a clear thought about your thesis and what you want to focus on. However, your thesis is not very detailed and hard for audience to determine. So you may strengthen your thesis by adding more detail sentences.
So I'm not sure what you mean by "living situation." Try to dig in here and get more specific, so you argument is more clear. Like, for example, I'm not sure why the terms "disperse" and "differentiate" are included and what they have to do with your topic.
DeleteAlthough educational inequality appears to be a serious problem among American children to distinguish children between high class and low class, the companies and government will improve themselves to find solutions to overcome this issue.
ReplyDeleteHow are companies involved in education? How is the government improving itself? What solutions? There is a lot to clear up here, so think about these questions and how to craft a thesis statement that is clear and concise.
DeleteToday's Society, although many countries worries about the health of adults and child and find solution to reduce it , there are actually the realistic gap between high class and low class people approaches to get the health.
ReplyDeleteHi JaeHyun Ahn,
DeleteI think you have a great start. However, as it stands your thesis isn't very explicit which may make it hard for the reader to determine what you are arguing. I think that you should use more precise language and also make it clear to the reader your stance on the issue of healthcare availability.
Definitely need to get more specific here. Start with looking at just America. Then look at what class is depicted in your primary source (if it is the gap b/n healthcare for the upper class and lower class, that's fine, just make sure both are depicted). I'm also not quite sure what your arguing. I'm not sure what you mean by "the realistic gap" and "approaches to get the health" is also unclear.
DeleteMy essay is about the difference in athletic participation between upper and lower class children and how it affects their lives. My working thesis is: One might assume that the disparity in athletic participation between upper and lower class children is purely a matter of entertainment, but in reality, participation in youth sports gives a child a myriad of advantages throughout life.
ReplyDeleteBrandon Harroff
Maybe for the second half of your thesis you could make it more about class disparity rather than just about the advantages of sports. "Participation in youth sports gives a child a myriad of advantages throughout life" is a good statement, but if someone were to read that they would think that your paper is about the advantages of sports rather than about class differences. I think the first half is really good though!
DeleteFor the second half of your thesis you could add a bit about what kind of advantages does playing sports give, socially, economically, etc.
DeleteThis is a really strong start and shows why your topic is important. Touching off of what Yasmine commented on, as long as the advantages are economic in nature (like networking opportunities, education opportunities, etc.), I think that can work.
DeleteThesis:
ReplyDeleteClass mobility in America is tough for everyone, the upper middle class struggle to cross the threshold into the top 1%, this is especially difficult for the American poor who have many extenuating factors that prevent upward mobility.
Hey Brady, I think this thesis sort of brings up two different points, and it makes it difficult to know what main argument you are centered on. Is it that the upper middle class struggles more than people think? Is it more about poor people and their extenuating factors? In addition, the structure of the sentence is just kind of long and hard to follow. Maybe you could consider something about how class mobility is harder than most people think for the upper class, since most people acknowledge this for the lower class.
DeleteI'm a little confused here. You seem to be saying that class mobility (upward, you should note, since people can move down in class) is especially difficult for the poor, but then I'm confused by the mention of the upper middle class. I feel like this thesis is pointing in two different directions and I'm not sure where to look.
DeleteHere is my thesis statement!! Any help would be much appreciated!
ReplyDelete"There exists a strong correlation between homelessness and mental illness. Having an undiagnosed mental illness influences many factors of ones life, leading to homelessness."
Hi Atena,
DeleteI am really interested by the topic of your thesis. However, I think you should examine what we can do as a society and how we could potentially help those with mental illnesses before they become homeless.
First, make sure you boil your thesis down to a single sentence. Next, try to use more active voice. Your first sentence is more passive while your second sentence is more active. I think saying there is a correlation between mental illness and homelessness isn't complicated enough since most people are already aware of that. What don't we know? Why does this correlation matter?
DeleteImpoverished children in low-income schools are often written off as uninterested or unengaged without acknowledgement of the many factors that inhibit their ability to learn.
ReplyDeleteI think you probably want to use "disinterested" and "disengaged," but this seems like a strong start. I do wonder who is doing the acknowledging (or lack thereof).
DeleteHere is my thesis statement.
ReplyDeleteThere are several reasons for people outside lower class eating fast food a lot, even though they know fast food can lead tons of health problems
Hi Haotian
DeleteI think your thesis is really interesting. However, it's kind of too narrow. It will be more easily to be analyzed if you bring a boarder thesis.
I think the idea is good, but I would work on the wording to make it more active (starting with "there are several" makes for a passive voice. Also, what do you mean by "outside lower class"? I'm not sure who the "people" are that you are talking about. And just to clarify, you want a narrow thesis, not a broad one.
DeleteMy thesis of my paper is about the gap of rich and poor in United States today. Because this topic is kind of too broad, so I would like to focus on the homeless people's living situation. What is their real living situation, what factors cause them to be homeless.
ReplyDeleteI think that focusing your thesis that way would be better than having one that's too broad.
DeleteDefinitely need to focus this. What you focus on will depend on your primary source, but even homelessness is too broad. Make sure you come up with a specific argument rather than a question.
DeleteFood is not simply something people eat to gain energy, but also a force that drives class of America apart. I will start with aspects such as health, price and maybe status symbol.
ReplyDeleteCan you be more specific than food? Are you talking groceries? Dining out? Is the food driving the class apart or is something else happening?
DeleteThe article is really helpful for me because I always use 3 points or 5 paragraphs in my essay, it should be more specific.... my thesis will be like “the gap between wealth and poor becomes bigger and bigger, it’s not easy to correct the unfair relationship.”
ReplyDeleteThis is on the right track, but you'll need to get more specific in order for your argument to be a strong one. I would look at how to make the second part of your thesis more specific by asking yourself "So What" about your first phrase.
DeleteMy thesis statement is here.
ReplyDeleteFast food is one of the main foods of the lower American people, but some people usually lack of food. Food insecurity has the huge impact to lower class people and we should find ways to improve their food quality.
So fast food, food insecurity, and food quality are all separate topics, so you'll want to narrow that, depending on what's depicted in your primary source. You also want to avoid first person "we." Once you narrow your topic, you can narrow your argument.
DeleteMy thesis statement will focus on the upper class, specifically the rich and famous, and their social behavior and emotional expression. I would maybe write something like: "One is able to view lavish behavior through media and social media, but behind the scenes exists a more complex personality both molded by society and individual expression." I feel like this could be a good starting point, but I may need to alter some words so it doesn't sound so mythical?
ReplyDelete-Brianna Lewis
This is more of an observation than a strong argument. Try to compose something that's debatable. This thesis is pretty weighed down by the language choices, but when I strip it down, I'm not clear on the actual argument. What do you mean by "behind the scenes"? Can you be more specific than media/social media? Who has this complex personality you refer to?
DeleteWhile one might think that a school is meant to be an equalizer for students of all backgrounds, it is not the case for many poorer schools that can end up critically and negatively affecting a student’s future quality of life.
ReplyDeleteThe idea here is good but the wording could be cleaned up. Equalizer, for example, feels a little odd in terms of word choice. And I'm not sure you need "critically."
DeleteMy thesis statement:
ReplyDeleteNew York City is a major city with extraordinary opportunities to excel in, though it is not the case for the lower class as the wealth disparity and homelessness, along with poverty. This has resulted in the government needing to act to address these issues.
First, make sure you boil your thesis down to just one sentence. Also, what government are you talking about? Local government? Federal government? Wealth disparity, homelessness, and poverty are all separate issues. Which one is your primary source about? How can you narrow that topic even further?
DeleteThough poverty itself can effect a variety of people in a multitude of ways, those whose families have experienced generations of poverty are far more likely to remain in poverty for the remainder of their lives.
ReplyDeleteI really like the second part of your thesis, but the first part is a bit broad.
DeleteThe unbalance of resources differentiation intensifies the solidification between classes.
ReplyDeleteSeems like you have an extra word in here (differentiation) that doesn't belong and solidification doesn't really fit either. You also need to find a more original angle. This is pretty broad right now, so take another look at your primary source. Is it really focused on all classes or is there a more specific angle? What types of resources are you talking about? How can you move beyond the obvious?
DeleteThe effects of automation may actually create a net gain of jobs but in turn, the new job disparity will further the gap between the rich and the poor.
ReplyDeleteThe idea here is strong, but work on the wording a bit. "But in turn" feels a little awkward, and I'm not sure what you mean by "job disparity."
DeleteMy thesis: there are many factors which decide the social classes, but education is the most significant one. I know that if I just simply focus on the factors that divide social classes, this thesis will be too board to be useful. Therefore, I want to focus on the most significant one - Education.
ReplyDeleteYou'll need to go much more specific and narrow than just education. That's a huge topic that isn't providing you with enough research/writing direction.
DeleteMy topic is the differences in education and living conditions of social classes. And I am trying to more focus on the difference between public school and private school, how the education effect the future of kids from upper class and lower class.
ReplyDeleteThis seems pretty broad. What does your primary source depict? Does it show a public school or a private school? Your thesis should directly connect to what's going on in your primary source and make a strong argument.
DeleteMy topic is the social class and the education. I will focus on how differences between social classes influence the condition of the education, especially for the lower class. Also I will contain some upper class education condition to make a contrast, and the differences of the children's future in different classes.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you are only focusing on the class depicted in your primary source. This seems to be very broad and looking at more than one class group.
DeleteThe thesis of my paper is how social stratification will widen with the development of artificial intelligence (AI) and automation and prevention of the widening of the socioeconomic level by increasing social mobility. The undergoing developments in the field of robotics and AI aims at replacing the blue-collar workers who hold the lowest level of the Socioeconomic status. If no steps are carried to educate the poor and the lower middle class, the number of people living in poverty will increase rapidly in future.
ReplyDeleteI think you have an interesting topic idea, but this thesis needs some condensing for sure. I would also make the distinction that blue collar does not necessarily mean low class. Most blue collar workers make significantly more than I do as a full-time college professor. The tricky part is that automation replaced factory jobs that required little to no formal education beyond a GED (if that). But AI is a more recent development than general automation, so what types of jobs are you talking about replacing when it comes to AI? Are you talking about fast food jobs (ordering screens) or grocery jobs (self checkout) or are you talking about actual blue collar jobs like plumbing, electrical work, garbage collection, factory work, etc? Because blue collar could be considered working class, but those workers are usually middle class, and not really lower middle class. Think about the difference between AI and automation (which is depicted in your primary source), what types of jobs they're replacing, and what class those jobs were in. That should help you with moving toward a more narrow, concise thesis.
DeleteA majority assume homeless children will never amount to much through their education, the main factor that changes this outcome is the type of programs these children are involved in. My focus is on how homeless programs positively impact children's lives, and how they would differ without these programs to help.
ReplyDeleteWhat type of homeless programs are you referring to? I would think about how to word this a bit more cleanly. First, I would tone down the rhetoric of the opening phrase. I think people might assume homeless children have many disadvantages, but to say they'll never amount to anything is probably a rarer, more extreme way of wording that. Make sure your thesis is just one, well-worded sentence that makes a clear argument. So for me, I need to know a little more than "homeless programs" without getting into listing territory.
DeleteFamily income not only reflects family’s social class, but also reflect children’s future social classes. Economic power will provide kinds of resources to children. However, topic of mere income seems to be too board. Among elements which will be affected by income, education is a significant one and classroom will reflect education environment. By analyzing classrooms of different social classes, a better understanding of differences between social classes will be generated. My working thesis statement is that classroom environment will affect children’s future social classes.
ReplyDeleteDoes your primary source depict a specific classroom? What social class is represented in that classroom? Your working thesis is still too broad because you need to be making a narrow argument about a specific classroom environment and a single social class.
DeleteMy thesis:
ReplyDeleteWhile health is a huge and complex topic for human beings through the whole lifetime, the details are always obvious and amplified when the story comes to the low-class’s living environment.
I'm not quite sure what argument is being made here. I see what you want to talk about health and the lower class, but there's a lot of general language here without a specific argument.
Delete